Encouragement is crucial. So how can you spend more time with encouragers and less with stoppers? The following exercise is one that I often used on Encouragement Workshops during the early 70s. Some years later I replaced it with one based on Virginia Satir’s work. (See The Strengths Toolbox piece called 3 tips for understanding the self-confidence pot.) Nevertheless, it is still a useful exercise. So let’s explore how you can continue to get and give encouragement.

1) You can clarify your encouragers.

Start by making a list of your encouragers. These are the people with whom you feel more alive, more yourself, more real. For example, you may write the names of your partner, friends, kindred spirits, manager, several work colleagues and other people. Describe the specific things they do to encourage you. You may, of course, also do things to encourage yourself.

“Right now I am lucky, because I am surrounded by encouragers, but this wasn’t always the case,” said one person. “My partner is incredibly supportive – though sometimes we may also stop each other. Two years ago I was going through a difficult time in the work place and home was the only sanctuary. Nowadays I have a superb boss. We agree on clear goals. He then gives me lots of freedom and support to get on with the job. Last year I reconnected with an old friend from the days when I played in a band. Joining with two other people, we formed a group which now plays at weddings and other events. The music and friendship has given me energy – something I am able to carry-over into the rest of my life. So now I spend time with lots of positive people.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, write the names of the encouragers in your personal and professional life. Second, describe the specific things they do to encourage you. As mentioned before, you may also do things to encourage yourself. If so, describe how you do this in practice. Try completing the following sentences.

Encouragers. The people who encourage me are:

Person a) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to encourage me are:

*

Person b) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to encourage me are:

*

Person c) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to encourage me are:

*

2) You can clarify your stoppers.

Continue by writing a list of the people who for you feel like stoppers. They may be critical, negative or behave in a way that saps your energy. Such people can’t always ‘stop’ you, of course, because you also have to choose to give-in. But they can certainly make your life difficult. As one person said:

“Three years ago I felt surrounded by stoppers. My boss believed in micro-management, inspecting every detail of my work. The team also had several negative people who were always complaining. My life was at a low ebb – but I was probably my own biggest enemy. I stopped exercising, put on weight and fell into a downward spiral. Reality came in the shape of a good friend. Sitting down with me one day, she explained that, while it was up to me what I did with my life, I was spreading negativity and affecting other people. Tough medicine – but it worked. From that day on I have tried to be an encourager, rather than a stopper.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, write the names of the people who for you feel like stoppers. Second, describe the specific things they do to try to ‘stop’ you. As mentioned before, you may also stop yourself. If so, describe how you do this in practice. (There may be people who both encourage and stop you. If so, describe the specific ways they behave to cause this effect.) Try completing the following sentences.

Stoppers. The people who try to stop me are:

Person a) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to try to stop me are:

*

Person b) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to try to stop me are:

*

Person c) _____________________________________________

The specific things they do to try to stop me are:

*

3) You can get and give more encouragement in the future.

So how can you continue to get inspiration and, in turn, support other people? Here is what one person said:

“My first step was to spend more time with positive people. Looking through my encouragers, I made action plans to meet and do things we both enjoyed. I also focused on how to ‘encourage my encouragers’, something I had neglected. On the professional front I changed my job, joining a supportive boss who I had worked for previously. Looking at the stoppers, some I stopped seeing. Others I tried to make clear contracts with about how we could work together in the future. This approach succeeded with two people, but failed with others. So I found a way around these people – and the system - to achieve my goals. Finally, I learned to kick-start myself into action if I ever fell into a downward spiral. Now I want to do my best to encourage other people.”

Try tackling the exercise on this theme. First, describe how you can get encouragement in the future. Second, describe how you can give other people encouragement in the future. Try completing the following sentences.

Getting encouragement. The specific things I
can do to get encouragement in the future are:

*

*

*

Giving encouragement. The specific things I
can do to give encouragement in the future are:

*

*

*

Everybody needs inspiration. One approach is to spend more time with encouragers and less with stoppers. At the same time, it is vital to encourage other people. They are then more likely to support others they meet in their personal and professional lives.